Sunday, August 29, 2004

Blowing in the wind

I've done it over and over again throughout my life to protect myself. It's so much easier to throw daggers and have people who love me leave because I'm so afraid that they are gonna leave anyway. Funny thing is that I've done it so long I'd overlooked the fact that it doesn't actually save me from the hurt at all.

I had a very meaningful discussion with a good friend yesterday and he helped me to accept that I am worthy of so much more in this life, that I do deserve to be someone's number one and that it's ok to be afraid. You have always been there when I've needed an ear, always honest and always with love. Even through your own torment you made sure I was ok. Your meditation downloads are wonderful btw . Thank you for being you and for sharing them with me Paul.

Another friend, who obviously knows me better than anyone else, made me realize this morning that I can't keep pushing people away; he told me that he wouldn't give up on our friendship so easily, this when I was trying so hard to do just that. The tears welled up in my eyes and I had goosebumps all over and I don't think I've ever felt such pure love before. He knew that I was ready to push everyone away including him in order to feel safe again. He knew what I needed to hear, he's always known. He's been a constant positive in my life even when he felt like he didn't mean very much to me. Selfless embody that Jamie S. and I will strive to be that for you as well...I want to be that for all my friends. I don't want to hurt the people I love anymore.

Thank you for showing me what a true friend really is...trusting my heart to people has always been difficult for me and I do trust you with mine even in it's current state. You've picked me up and brushed me off and have given me some focus, strength and most of all clarity. People come and go, even the ones who swear they love you...the ones that promise they'll never leave your heart blowing in the wind and when they do the hurt is so great you can't help but start to build up that wall again.

Brick by brick you've managed to get through because you were consistent with your love. No words can express how much that has touched me today.


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