Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Scattered Thoughts

I can't sleep anymore. I don't know why but I can't. I go through this every now and again when my heart and my mind just can't decide whether it's coming or going. When my head can't shut down and my heart is so overwhelmed by emotion that it's just stuck. They agree then they disagree. Wish I could talk one of them into staying put long enough for the other to catch up.

Friends...they are indeed the most wonderful gifts in the universe. All add their own little spice to make a great dish. If you know me at all then you know that I have a hard time making real friends. Not that I don't do it well I just seem to keep my distance because I've been hurt. I want to change that part of me. I notice that I still pull back when I feel like I'm getting attatched. I want to be a good friend and I've been trying I just hope I don't let anyone down.

Everything means nothing if I don't have you.

I'm trying to find myself these days. Who is Anna and what does she want? Could be the age thing. I'm not happy about being in my thirties and not having accomplished the things I've wanted to. I'm not the best I can be and I know that. I'm not even close to what I'm capable of being. Who is stopping me?... Me. I'm scared to make a move, to find my way. I'm just waiting for the fear to subside.

Fear, it's such an ugly feeling. Even more so when you fear the things that offer hope and change. I'm not afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of what will happen to everyone around me if I choose to walk into that blind alley.


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