Sunday, August 29, 2004

Blowing in the wind

I've done it over and over again throughout my life to protect myself. It's so much easier to throw daggers and have people who love me leave because I'm so afraid that they are gonna leave anyway. Funny thing is that I've done it so long I'd overlooked the fact that it doesn't actually save me from the hurt at all.

I had a very meaningful discussion with a good friend yesterday and he helped me to accept that I am worthy of so much more in this life, that I do deserve to be someone's number one and that it's ok to be afraid. You have always been there when I've needed an ear, always honest and always with love. Even through your own torment you made sure I was ok. Your meditation downloads are wonderful btw . Thank you for being you and for sharing them with me Paul.

Another friend, who obviously knows me better than anyone else, made me realize this morning that I can't keep pushing people away; he told me that he wouldn't give up on our friendship so easily, this when I was trying so hard to do just that. The tears welled up in my eyes and I had goosebumps all over and I don't think I've ever felt such pure love before. He knew that I was ready to push everyone away including him in order to feel safe again. He knew what I needed to hear, he's always known. He's been a constant positive in my life even when he felt like he didn't mean very much to me. Selfless embody that Jamie S. and I will strive to be that for you as well...I want to be that for all my friends. I don't want to hurt the people I love anymore.

Thank you for showing me what a true friend really is...trusting my heart to people has always been difficult for me and I do trust you with mine even in it's current state. You've picked me up and brushed me off and have given me some focus, strength and most of all clarity. People come and go, even the ones who swear they love you...the ones that promise they'll never leave your heart blowing in the wind and when they do the hurt is so great you can't help but start to build up that wall again.

Brick by brick you've managed to get through because you were consistent with your love. No words can express how much that has touched me today.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Away from this place

The beginning and the end are here all at once.

The beginning of a world without you. A place that no one but me exists, but it's not really me is it?

The end of what ? .....feeling, knowing, wanting, loving it's the end of being.

To close the door and keep on walking thats what you've told me to do. I'll do it for you.

Can you see me smiling? I pretend so well.

Monday, August 23, 2004

Who's life is it anyways?

I'm so tired of everyone making all the decisions in my life. Am I that much of a moron that I am not allowed a say so in anything? Fuck...I just want to SCREAM but no one would hear me. I get thrown here and there, who gives a crap about how Anna feels. She doesn't matter. Someone else always knows whats best for me. I just want to be treated like a person. Don't I deserve that? Why don't I deserve that?

I'm dying inside don't you see? Everytime you hurt me a piece of me dies. I can't choose my friends I can't choose my words, fuck I can't feel. Your insecurities are not my problem. What you do to me isn't fair. I would never do those things to you. Do you hate me so much that you have to hurt me? Am I that horrible of a person?

Thursday, August 19, 2004

History repeats itself

These thoughts echo endlessly begging me to forget the memories.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Scattered Thoughts

I can't sleep anymore. I don't know why but I can't. I go through this every now and again when my heart and my mind just can't decide whether it's coming or going. When my head can't shut down and my heart is so overwhelmed by emotion that it's just stuck. They agree then they disagree. Wish I could talk one of them into staying put long enough for the other to catch up.

Friends...they are indeed the most wonderful gifts in the universe. All add their own little spice to make a great dish. If you know me at all then you know that I have a hard time making real friends. Not that I don't do it well I just seem to keep my distance because I've been hurt. I want to change that part of me. I notice that I still pull back when I feel like I'm getting attatched. I want to be a good friend and I've been trying I just hope I don't let anyone down.

Everything means nothing if I don't have you.

I'm trying to find myself these days. Who is Anna and what does she want? Could be the age thing. I'm not happy about being in my thirties and not having accomplished the things I've wanted to. I'm not the best I can be and I know that. I'm not even close to what I'm capable of being. Who is stopping me?... Me. I'm scared to make a move, to find my way. I'm just waiting for the fear to subside.

Fear, it's such an ugly feeling. Even more so when you fear the things that offer hope and change. I'm not afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of what will happen to everyone around me if I choose to walk into that blind alley.

Saturday, August 07, 2004

My heart through music

"Flying Without Wings"

Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You'll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be

Some find it in the face of their children
Some find it in their lover's eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You'll find it in the words of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry

You'll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much that means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

So, impossible as they may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
Cos who's to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete

Well, for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
In any given time or place

It's little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine
And it's like flying without wings
Cos you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings

And you're the place my life begins
And you'll be where it ends
I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy you bring
I'm flying without wings

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Promises Promises

Ok, so I promised Monette that I'd finally figure out what I did wrong and fix it. Voila...done. I posted some pics and I am now sitting here actually blogging. If thats what you call this. You all already know how bad I am at this and it wouldn't come full circle until Anna actually kept up with the bunch.....says who?

Here's where I get to bitch about Rae leaving me for the whole weekend. Hah, me a way ;). Bite me.

Shannon my sexy bubbly redhead...stop drinking and getting nekkid. Leaving your old job is no excuse to have a party...without me that is. Congratulations again sweety.

Monette, my love I am a Chris get your head out of there already.

I am still waiting on my paper kiss Jenn, lord knows I need one after the weekend I had. Hell, make Les send me one too. Two is always better than one :).

My lovely Amanda...can I please have my Tiara back, I don't care that you look cuter in it than I do, thats besides the point. Ok feel me up and I'll let you keep it another week.

Maurice love, I'm not the only one falling behind here, get with the program. There must be some office politics going on by now hon, you've been there two weeks.

Sending extra special hugs to my beautiful Auds, my sexy Jess and one gorgeous hunk of southern man Jamie...they've had a few tough weeks and I love them oodles and oodles and no I wasn't trying to cop a free feel, although....ok damn I couldn't help it.

It's 6am and I'm braindead but let it be known that Anna does keep her promises. No I was not cybering til 6am. Sickos ;).

If I sleep I may actually write something inspirational later. Then again, who am I kidding?

I love this bunch of freakin nuts.

Look Ma no hands.

Now there's a cute one.

I could watch this all day.

Aren't they a sexy bunch?

She really is as short as she says she is ;)