When there isn't anything left to give

Sometimes when I think I've just about had enough and I can't do it anymore somehow I find the strength to go on. Lately, I just feel like I have exhausted my reserve and I just don't have anything left to give. I'm a failure because I can't take control...or should I say I don't know how to. I want to just get up and run away but the thought alone makes me feel like a bad person. Is it selfish for me to need?

I sit and think about my childhood, my mom had my two brothers and me to deal with...how did she stay sane? ....or is she ;) ? I adore my children but they are one of the biggest stressers in my life. It's not their fault, it's mine. I allowed them to walk over me so long that now it's too late to make a change.

It doesn't help that I'm dead inside. I can't give what I don't have.

How high can you kick?

Alright, I'll be the first one to admit that Lisa and I are silly 90% of the time we're together and when we're around my mom we act like kids. So we're in the kitchen at my mom's house and my mom is cooking us bacon while Lisa and I are standing around the kitchen just waiting for breakfast. Lisa asks me "Do you think I can kick your uncle in the face?" I'm like WTF....why on earth would you want to kick my uncle in the face? I'm a bit confused til I see her staring at the pic on the fridge. Ohhh, you think you can kick that high I ask, she assures me she can. I tell her that I think she can only kick my brother in the face which is the picture directly below my uncle.

So Lisa warms up, lifts up her pants and does her sumo wrestler stance and kicks...sure enough she only reaches my brother's face. So then she asks me how high I can kick...I show her on the fridge pointing right below my brother's pic. So now I'm concentrating on my kick, doing my kung foo action karate chop in the air and I kick...I got my uncle right in the face and the fridge rolls backwards. I say "who says fat girls aren't flexible" and we start laughing. My dad comes into the kitchen to find out what's going on and says that we are both nuts, my mom nods in agreement and we just giggle.

A little while later I walk into the living room and my dad is sitting on his recliner watching tv and I say "dad...watch this...I can kick pretty high". Again I'm swaying around karate chops flying and I kick in the air...this time I pull a muscle in my thigh but I pretend I'm all good ya know. He just gives me a look and finally smiles as I turn to walk away all proud.

When we get home Lisa tries on my fridge which is a bit smaller showing Joshua how high she can kick. Josh is amazed that she can kick that high and Lisa says "now watch your mom". I start laughing do my kick, the tip of my foot landing right on top of the fridge....woohoo I've impressed my son yet again.

Oh what a Monday morning it was

The morning started out in a bit of a rush, but everything was all planned out...what needed to be done. The kids didn't go on the school bus because I had to stop off at the pediatrician's office to pick up a school form for Rosie then drop them all off. As we all pile into the car, the nice clean car...daddy was sweet enough to clean my car on sunday, the kids get all settled in and were off. As were driving Rosie tells me that her tummy hurts because her seatbelt is too tight. I ask her brother Josh to loosen it for her. Then I hear it, "mommy, I think I'm going to throw up" oh geez so I'm looking around frantically for a place to pull over, needless to say we didn't make it.

So now Rosie is crying and Jonathan is screaming cause he's next to her and he's got vomit on his pants and Joshua is gagging. I pull over, we get Jonathan in the front seat and Joshua starts to vomit. Oh this is just great...he opens the window to get air after he's done and we start moving again heading in the direction of grandma's house, thank goodness she lives close to their school and Josh starts gagging again, I pull over he vomits now Lisa starts gagging. At this point I'm laughing so hard I nearly pee my pants because every time I'm ready to move the car Josh starts gagging.

We finally make it to my mom's house after stopping about 4 times so Josh can do his mini vomits. Lisa gets out of the car and comes around to get Rosie out, she pulls her out and then she starts gagging. I'm laughing all over again as Josh runs into my mom's house to get away from it all. After cleaning the car and laughing til my stomach hurt were off again, just the boys went to school and yep they were about 45 minutes late but let me tell ya they had one hell of a story to tell. You gotta love the sympathy vomit said one of my friends I told the story to.

....and yes I so wish I had a camcorder for that.

How do you keep the music playing?

I went to my cousin's 30th birthday party on friday night and it was great to see my family, especially my cousin Michael who flew in from Florida for the party. As I sat there I started to think about a few things....surrounded by my cousins all these emotions and thoughts just filled my head. We were a very tight family and now were all grown up and most of us have our own kids and doing our own thing. Everything is so different now, so many changes. The bonds that used to hold our family together have been lost...not only physical loses but spiritual ones too. I just sat there loving them so much and wishing that we got to see other other as often as we used to. I just want to laugh with them and hug them and never let them go.

So today I go to a wedding and Im sitting there enjoying the ceremony and watching people. Again I start thinking, this time about love. Yep, love..not so weird a thing to be thinking about at a wedding right? A conversation with a friend of mine came to mind as I watch the bride and groom sing to one another...walking toward eachother with that look, everyone knows the look I'm talking about. I glance over at John and a rush of things pass through my mind, still all the while the conversation my friend and I had is playing back. He told me that love is something you have to keep deciding to do everyday. I didn't understand the meaning of that completely until right that very minute.

Calling your name

Closure...it's something we can't put off forever. In life we run from it when were not ready, we pretend we don't need it and then one day you just know you do. How do you know when the time is right? Good question, I'm guessing the opportunity just presents itself and you either take it or you don't. The advice I offered to a very good friend of mine today about the subject was this: You know what you need, make the opportunity present itself. What's the worst that could happen? You don't get it. Well you're already in that boat so there's nothing else to lose.

Can't you hear me calling?

"It is only by following your deepest instinct that you can lead a rich life and if you let your fear of consequence prevent you from following your deepest instinct , then your life will be safe, expedient and thin."

...thanks Timo

Contra La Corriente

Today was a good day, got to talk to a few friends and have some very nice conversations. Then this evening we went out to dinner, the whole family including my mom and dad and one of my brothers. It's always nice to have a meal together and not have to worry about clean up ;).

The next few weekends are going to be busy but I'm really going to try to take full advantage of them because winter will set in soon enough. Autumn is my favorite season, you can't ask for better weather, not too hot not too cold..just right. I love the colors and I think it's the whole concept of change that makes this my favorite time of year.

Fat Chicks Rule

http://www.illwillpress.com/fatkins.html

Follow Up

Well I've put some real thought into it. I told you I would. If you're a little confused I'm talking about the "I Suck...get your mind outta the gutter ;)" post from a month ago.

If I push you pull and if you pull I can blame you for it. Makes it easier for me to shut down. I've shut down twice before in my life and I'm real close to the third. Emotional shut downs last years for me so I'm afraid. I'm trying to stop it from happening. There are a few of you who are helping me but I feel as if it's inevitable. I've never actually tried to stop it before so maybe it's supposed to be this hard. The person who brought me out of the last one has kept me from it thus far, he's given up on me so I may not be able to find the strength to do it anymore or maybe this loss will help me find some inner strength I don't know I have. Only time will tell.

It's not so black and white anymore because the situation has a few other shades of gray in it now but as far as the pushing goes I think I understand it.

Bizarre Love Triangle

In life we make decisions to do things for the people we love. Sometimes those things hurt us so much but their happiness is always more important than our own so we do them. A part of us, the selfish part, tells us that we deserve happiness too but true love gives us the strength to make the ultimate sacrifice.

Quote of the month

"Dreams die hard and you hold them in your hands long after they've turned into dust."